Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Calinferno! Finale

video That's Sniffer!

The voice, of the unseen foreman of the Gnomlins
: More coal to the steam portion of the chamber, Hob! The cosmic radiation filter needs polishing, too! Inexcusable! Where’s Sniffer?
Sniffer is a serpentine, lithe yellow creature smaller than Hob.
Behind him, Gnoll the Trome opens the back of a large exo-skeleton/ construction device.

Sniffer: I was just about to climb into the vent and see if that delicious sulfurous oxide has reached critical! But there seems to be a robot clogging it a bit.

Gnoll the Trome (in armor that makes him bigger than a person: steam-release valve on the shoulder, flaming furnace in the chest, a great waldo clamp hand on the right and something akin to a tig welder on the left arm): I didn’t lose any robots!!!

Nyirogongo(booming voice, from inside other room): That! Is the department of that...Anomaly!

Sniffer: Probably off making contact with the humans! Remember the “yard sale”?

Narr: You know, I am afraid this is going to blow sky-high...but I can’t wait for it to blow up! But I’m afraid!

Sniffer: Such a conflict happens to creatures of mixed nature, I imagine. It happens to gases, too!

Gnoll(in clunky armor, employing the grip of his helpful waldo): I’ve got it.

Machine Man: So what are doing with it? Maybe I could simply join in?

How do I apply?
Gnoll: I’m not sure I understand, but can we please first take you apart?
Sniffer: Does he explode? He doesn’t smell like anything I know.
Narr: What if he explodes? Yay!
Sniffer: Careful! He might explode!

Narr: Oh, Nooo! Well, here’s the welder...
Machine Man: What is this place for? Quit attacking me, why don’t you?
Sniffer: Well, the point of it is to quit working and explode!

Gnoll (rolling forward on tread; a furnace belches smoke from the chest cavity): He’s got a flame, too! Hot enough to melt my armor!

Narr: How does he move? I wanna get under the Hood of this baby!!!
(Narr uses his arc welder on Machine Man’s head to little affect except to damage his face)
Machine Man( shrugging off Gnomlins, extending his hand towards the control panel on a tube telescoping from his wrist
) : That does it! If this whole place is nothing but an elaborate bomb...!

Narr: He’s gonna explode!
Sniffer: Yay! I mean, NOOO!! It’s all going to explode any minute!

(The battle crashes noisily through to a previously concealed chamber, where the last gnomlin, their foreman, sits high atop a stool over looking all, before a type of patched-together megaphone.)
Nyirogongo (the tiniest Gnomlin, lizard-like, has lifted off his heels screaming):

I!! AM! ! GOING TO...EXPLODE!!! Blrbbllrrrb!
Narr: Anomaly! What are you doing with humans, you witzbold Gnomlin?
Hellcat and Valkyrie come in to the sight of Machine Man being smashed through the floor by Gnoll the Trome in his armor, which is being outfitted on the left arm with a cannon, of the field artillery type, cobbled together by the Gnomlins.

Hellcat: Cheese and that the Machine Man that fought in Times Square? Val!
Trome quickly opens fire close to point blank on the Valkyrie, catching her square in the chest.
Gnoll: So! They laugh about the Trome, the only one of his kind! No Champion, no Philosopher---no couple to birth his race! And snigger when they whisper of how Gnoll came to be! But I shall be my own Champion! My own Philos—
Valkyrie stands up, looking very perturbed,


and hacks into the joint of his cannon and arm with Dragonfang, her sword, using a double handed over head cut.

...I will not abide the crisis of your existence at the harm of my own!

Behind all this, Doctor Banner has ducked into the guage register area, where he has fathomed:
Incredible, the way they jury-rigged this place to be one massive energy collector---from pressurized gases beneath the earth to siphoning pipelines---probably of the local energy companies! It’s mostly old-fashioned, by Earth standards---like some crack pot Thomas Edison built it! But there’s clearly no effort to extrude any of these energies...they build without relief! And not only are the extraction devices about to stop working...this entire place seems primed to---no!

But some two miles away...deeper into the recesses of the mountain...the spirit of Nicola holds the hand of Emma Johansson, as she tells him:

Emma: This is it, my ghostly prince...your empathy for your friend’s spirit has guided us to this cave.
Nicola: Now you must wait here a moment, my friend Emma...there is still something uneasy, though I feel Solskin so strongly, our magicks are activating our inner selves...I am beginning to manifest as my partner Abril, who is Solskin’s sister...
Emma watches, amazed, as the Viking prince before her shifts form amidst a warm, egg-like glow; then there is a purple flame burning all around the figure, as it resolves into a smaller, robed figure---a woman, who pauses, and speaks.

Abril: A ward, then, for the quenching of my suspicious nature...
(thrusts her fingers in a gesticulation off to the side),
...and now...
walks over and then touches Emma’s hands and says,
No matter what, thank you for everything.
Then she walks deep into the cave, saying this aloud:

The Box seems to be manifesting some further distraction a few leagues away...I nearly missed your manifestation, for it seems in spiritual eyes you reside in crystal, a strange suspension. Have you been alone, my brother? --- gathering strength to return here, when we could meet again to thwart the world’s perils? I have missed you so!

A figure emerges, and by purple torch light frame, appears to be the tall, lanky, reckless and brilliant brother she calls Solskin, seeming to wear a long coat colored by her glow.
Abril: You, who caught me from our dying mother, how could you not speak to me the day we disposed of Slave Box? You have never been so closed in such a time of peril...and such a spell, cast hurriedly when the ice cracked beneath us, risked Slave Box becoming trapped within our magical minds! Such I thought may have been what left you crystallized...

“Solskin”: Well, my sister, I smile, and tell you there will be a new openness...
Abril: By what magic did you manifest here?

“Solskin” (changing form, becoming lupine):

Questions, questions, sister.
Abril: By my heart!
Werewolf: By your heart, indeed!
(produces a hatchet, which he plunges into Abril’s astral form)
And by this motion, it is your astral form that no longer moves upon the fifth dimension...
(the woman shatters into a bright white light)
So you are trapped by the wiles of Remus Sharptooth...who must pay homage to the power of
Sulinar Vix, my source for purloining this world! The waves reshape the consciousness of these people, diminishing their ability to distinguish one another’s minds!

From within cave shadows: and amidst this chaos we will emerge like gods! An actual wolf, but with malevolent eyes, flowing with yellow streams of ectoplasm, comes to his side.

Remus Sharptooth: A god, yes, my lovely Corpse Flower...but in a better world...once we’re done! For the energy of the explosion will be mystically harnessed now by the embryonic Fire Dragon, one of the five elements themselves!

And at the site...(Banner rushes out, to a waiting squadron of National Guard reservists, fronted by a fat-necked stocky man and Pvt. Steve Holt from earlier, nervously approaching the Gnomlin built-free standing garage of doom known as the Hutch.)

Banner: Get back!!! There’s about to be a terrible calamity!

Neberhart: Sgt. Neberhart of the Georgia National Guard! I advise you to stand down!

Banner: Please! People are going to die if y---(Neberhart cold cocks Banner with the butt of his rifle)

Neberhart: You have no authority here! We are going to conduct a proper investigation ...

Mountie Dave, who happens to be standing by with a couple of his Royal Mountie brethren:

Geez! Are you all right, guy?
Valkyrie (charges out of the Hutch, flashing her sword and grabbing Pvt. Holt says):
Run! Run, you fools!!!

Pvt. Holt: I—I love you.

Valkyrie heaves the soldier into the trees with graceful might---only to be spewed out of the Hutch in
a ball of flame herself a second later

The Hutch falls to pieces...and the thing that arises, as the gusts of stinging heat shatter its cradle, is remnant of a promise, that may now be fulfilled---to literally change the face of Earth itself!

Next: The Four Armed Men! Nighthawk! Hulk! Doc Strange... and Corpse Flower’s terrible secret of a future star-searching people, oppressed by the same destructive forces that dwarf the Defenders! The conclusion of our blockbuster, with the offbeat title of the year:

“Remus Sharptooth Regrets...!”

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